Wave After Wave: The Crushing Cost of Emotional Dysregulation in ADHD
Have you ever lost patience on silly things like opening a package? Getting rage from 0 to 100 for something very small – like being angry at the garbage bin? Have you ever sat on the floor unable to do anything? Have you ever left a message unread for a day or a week or more?
Emotional dysregulation feels like constantly trying to tame wave after wave after wave
Those are some examples of what emotional dysregulation might look like in adults, particularly those with ADHD. It’s a complex topic and hugely depends on the person, but it's easier to recognise when you know what to pay attention to.
It often feels like:
A seemingly small trigger (e.g., a plan changing slightly, minor criticism) leads to significant emotional reactivity (intense frustration, anger, anxiety, or even despair).
Being swamped by an emotion, totally overwhelmed, making it hard to think clearly, potentially leading to shutdown ("freezing") or outbursts ("fight/flight").
The duration of emotions feels longer, or it takes significant time and effort to return to an emotional baseline after being upset. The internal "volume" stays high for longer.
A quickness to irritation or wanting to give up when faced with boring, challenging, or annoying tasks or situations (low frustration tolerance).
Moods that seem to shift quickly and intensely, feeling confusing both internally and to others.
Saying things in the heat of the moment that are later regretted; perhaps lashing out due to impulsivity, followed by great remorse.
Your emotional state being easily impacted by sensory input (noise, lights, textures) or external stressors, especially when already feeling taxed.
This experience of emotional dysregulation is often at the very core of ADHD functioning. The sheer intensity of what is experienced emotionally can very often prevent people from taking consistent steps in their chosen life direction.
Why is it often so difficult for people with ADHD to regulate emotions?
Crucially, this is linked to neurobiology – differences in brain wiring – not a character flaw or lack of willpower. It connects clearly to executive function challenges inherent in ADHD:
Difficulty holding perspective, recalling coping strategies, or remembering the 'bigger picture' when flooded by strong emotion. It really can feel like the only thing visible is right at nose distance.
Less 'braking power' (impulse control) before reacting emotionally; thoughts and feelings can translate quickly into words or actions. There's often difficulty making space between feeling an emotion and acting upon it.
Greater difficulty soothing oneself, tolerating frustration, or modulating emotional expression to fit the situation. Finding a state of calm relaxation can be a real challenge.
Handling feedback and criticism can be intensely difficult. An intense emotional pain is often experienced by people with ADHD in response to perceived rejection, criticism, or failure. This specific sensitivity is often referred to as Rejection Sensitive Dysphoria (RSD) – a commonly recognised experience, even if not a formal diagnosis itself. These emotional challenges, perhaps even more than focus issues, often cause profound distress, impacting self-esteem, relationships, and well-being.
Having ADHD often means dealing with emotions with an enhanced sensitivity – a little wave on the shore for a neurotypical person can feel like a mountain of water smashing down for someone with ADHD.
ADHD is a neurodevelopmental disorder; in simple terms, the brain is wired differently. It's not laziness or lack of motivation. It's not being 'mad'. It's being different. And because it’s different, it isn't a personal failure. Recognising this is the first step towards realising that self-compassion is deeply needed. So many times, I witness people carrying beliefs like "I’m broken," "I’m not enough," "I’m late in life." Living with ADHD is challenging, especially when a diagnosis arrives later in life and people lack earlier guidance on effective coping strategies. It can feel like constantly trying to tame wave after wave after wave… a life of exhaustion.
But feeling adrift isn’t the only way. ADHD and emotional dysregulation aren’t life sentences.
There are many ways to discover and foster self-regulation. From mindfulness practices, to grounding exercises, to engaging in something absorbing that makes us feel good – developing helpful coping skills is achievable and doable. When things start to click, when you find strategies that work for your brain, life starts to feel more manageable, more workable. The right support and strategies help people live a fulfilling life. ADHD doesn't go away, but skills for emotional regulation can be learned.
And because this work is profound and often challenging, seeking support is a wise act of self-care. However, when navigating ADHD and emotional dysregulation, finding the right kind of support is key. Working with a therapist who is neurodiversity-affirming or specifically ADHD-informed can make a significant difference.
Why? Because an informed therapist understands the underlying neurobiology and executive function challenges we've discussed. They won't just see the 'symptoms'; they'll grasp the context. This means they can help you understand your patterns through an ADHD lens, build self-compassion tailored to the unique hurdles you face (like RSD or intense frustration), and explore emotional regulation tools and coping skills (like those found in ACT) that are often particularly effective for neurodivergent minds. This kind of informed therapy for ADHD offers a dedicated relationship and safe space where you won't just be heard, but truly understood and validated in your unique experience – somewhere you can explore those loops without judgment and feel genuinely supported in the messy, courageous act of enduring change.
Remember your own endurance; every breath is a testament to it. Understanding that emotional dysregulation is part of the ADHD experience allows us to approach it with more kindness. Learning to navigate these intense waves is possible, grounded in self-compassion and the knowledge that you are not broken, just wired differently.
Self regulation can be learned
